Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
