The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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