why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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