IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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