It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
