I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
