I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
