You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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