just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
