How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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