my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
