I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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