I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
