you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
