Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
