when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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