I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
