just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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