seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
