He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
