I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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