if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
