i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
