You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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