Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and she was petting her beer can
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
