shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
