Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
