When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
