You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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