Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
