He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i permit you to call me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
