She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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