And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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