I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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