There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
