I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
