I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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