My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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