Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
