The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
