i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
