Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
