when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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