You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
