you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
