Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
