The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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