Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
