I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
