I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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