I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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