does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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