One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
