Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
